I've been writing more here about films I've seen then films I want to do, and that is a bit annoying. So here's a post from the heart, and what I've been wrestling with. I had seriously considered folding the company known as KGB Productions, Inc. There has been little activity, and I certainly haven't made any profit from the company. It cost me about $150 to $200 dollars a year to keep it open a year, and it has always been something of a reminder to me of why I formed the company in the first place. And that reason was and is to make movies. I haven't been doing that, and it bothers me. My day job as a media technician for a school district keeps me busy. I cover events, sports, and award ceremonies for their in-house cable outlet. I like what I do, and I like the people I work with. I'm also frustrated in that I know I can do more, and I have other things I want to say. That's where KGB Productions comes in. It's my outlet. My wife is a partner in the company, and the other night we were talking on what we should do, and she said what I had been thinking all along, and that is if we close the company it's like we've given up. It is that thought that has had me in the throes of anxiety, and despair for the past several months.
I HATE giving up. There I said it. No one wants to lose, and especially not me. I love filmmaking. It's been a part of me since I was 8 years old, and I was shooting back-yard epics with my Super-8 camera. It's a form of expression, and a sort of obsession. I've always LOVED the filmmaking process no matter how crazy it gets, or how hard I have to work at it. This decision to close shop has been hanging over my head like an executioners blade for sometime, and I just can't do it. Both my wife and I have said that the cost is nominal to keep the company open, and we both agree that there will be other films that we'll be doing in the future, so why not keep the company open.
In a sense having the company is an incentive to get something done. The company is a constant reminder of our dreams & hopes. To give up on one's dreams isn't right. Sometimes our dreams are all that we have sometimes, and it lights the darkness. I'm glad I have such a great partner as my wife because only she really knows what the company means to me, and in a way it means a lot to her also. I remember the day we incorporated the company, and how proud both of us were. It was exciting, and something I'll always remember.
But now what? Money is scarce, and time is at a premium. Where do I go, and how do I pull off another film? I've already come to the conclusion that the next film will be very close to my heart. Because if I'm going to work on it for awhile because I have no choice in the matter then it better be something worth doing, and worth talking about. With digital, and the Internet I see a lot of promise, but I also need to do a lot of work. I'll keep writing, and I'll keep doing side video projects from time to time, but the goal is to make make another film. Not a short, or a trailer, but a feature. I see anything else but a waste of time. It may be difficult, and a very long & winding road, but it's a goal I like and I think I can keep.
Here's the definition of amateur from the dictionary:
Most commonly an amateur is understood to be someone who does something without pay or formal training. Conversely, a professional is someone who has received training in a particular area and who also makes a living from it. The word comes from French, and can be translated as "lover of", reflecting the amateur's motivation to work as a result of a love or passion for a particular activity
I like that. "Lover of" or "motivation to work as a result of a love or passion". It kind of sums up my motivation for the company.
All I know is that there are some more mountains to climb, and much more things to learn about, so it's about time I start doing what I was meant to be doing. Thanks for listening to an old mans dreams & I hope your endeavors are coming true, and coming to fruition. Remember think creatively.