One more time this time with feeling!

So what do I want to do? I mean isn’t that the fundamental question that we all ask? I mean really is this a hobby or something I want to pursue in a more professional venue? I’ve asked those questions countless times in my life, and I’ve come away with many different answers to them depending on when I asked them. Before making my film it was all I wanted to do, and then during the making of the film I asked why am I doing this, and then when the film was completed and all the war stories were behind me I suddenly realized I wanted nothing more then to do it again. Talk about schizophrenic behavior there seems to be no emotion that you don’t go through when you're making a film. All those doubts get magnified, and you wonder why do you go through this self-abuse. Could I not be happy with sitting back and watching others tell their story. The simple answer is no; the film bug long ago infected me and the addiction I talk about only grows stronger throughout the years. I can chalk it up to being the by-product of the 20th century. The pleasure I had back in the day watching countless films in the air-conditioned haven called the movie theater, or the joy of reading the continuing adventures of Spiderman, or Iron man. Movies, TV, and comic books were the stimuli of my youth, and they fostered the storyteller in me. I used to even write my own comic books, but since I wasn’t a great illustrator I gyrated to the visual. Photography at first and then moviemaking.

Through publications such as CineMagic and Super-8, which no-longer exsist I found that I wasn’t alone in my addiction. The dreamer dreamed, and he was too young for anyone to tell him that he couldn’t. Those were the days where you corralled your friends one day and got them all to make a movie that you would later see on the big screen. Those films were rough and very ambitious for their time, and always you fed your demon by going to more movies, and seeing old films on TV, and reading more of your favorite comic books. You wanted your films to emulate the ones you were seeing on TV & in the movies, so you tried better techniques. Failing more then you succeeded, but always you learned something new. That's how we all learned back then before the Internet. We taught ourselves the grammar of the cinema without reading a word and slowly it became part of our psyche. We did by doing.

Today’s youth is bombarded by images from everywhere. The Internet, and computer games are yet another forum in telling stories which has caught on especially in today’s generation. If you think my generation was media savvy the present generation are light years ahead of where we once were.

So I come back to why I want what I want. Even now with raising a family of my own I still want to tell my stories. There's never any shortage of stories. Always balancing the reality of the day to the reality of what I want out of life. Should a dream die because it is just that a dream? Haven’t I already shattered that illusion? I mean it took awhile to make “Deadly Obsessions”, but I did it. Do I now give up? Satisfied that it was done, or do I take what I’ve learned and use the resources I have to make yet another film?

Make no mistake it doesn’t get any easier, but isn’t it all about being yourself. I have two boys who I have to look at each day, and tell them convincingly that you can do “ANYTHING” you want if you only put your mind to it. As you follow that dream you'll find that you yourself will be your own worst enemy, but getting through those dark days is all part of the grand design. It makes for better storytellers. I need and want filmmaking to be part of my life because it’s who I am. No one will help you. You have to help yourself, and let your passion shine. Others will see that and they’ll help because of that passion, or that's the hope. I mean why do bands tour? Could not the consumer buy his or her album and be satisfied. Why go see a concert? It’s because of the performer, and his or her passion in singing those tunes.

My grand design was never to make just “ONE” film. It was to make a bunch of films. Not the regular Hollywood type stuff, but something like it. To do this you need to be persistent, and smart. But more importantly you have to have passion in what you’re doing. That passion will show, and maybe you'll get noticed. Technology leaps forward by leaps and bounds almost everyday, and there are a lot of hungry consumers out there who want to see product. Maybe my children will benefit from my works. I really can't say. For right now I just need to keep hammering at the anvil, and keep practicing the craft by doing what ever I can. From wedding videos, to educational promotional stuff here at work it’s all part of the process. I have no idea if I’ll be successful, but at least I’ll be content that I did my best and stayed true to myself, and just maybe one day all this work will pay off. It's a big maybe, but what other choice do I have. What do you think? Just another dreamer or a hopeless romantic lost in a sea of mediocrity?